Twilight Eclipse Claims Moviegoer's Life
In news that shouldn't surprise anyone who's fallen head-over-heels for a twinkly-ass vampire only to find out that, not only is he pretending his hardest not to be gay, but he's gonna end up marrying a two-timing, wolf-loving floozy, watching Twilight Eclipse has claimed a man's life.
Wellington police spokeswoman Victoria Evans said the man's body was found by a cleaner at Reading Cinemas on Courtenay Place shortly before 8.30pm.
The man had attended a 6pm screening of the film, the latest instalment in the supernatural Twilight franchise, which revolves around a love triangle between human girl Bella, vampire Edward Cullen and werewolf Jacob Black.
At a press conference this evening, police said the man's death was not suspicious and he had no obvious injuries.
The man was slumped in his seat, and the cleaner thought he was asleep.
I 100% believe Twilight killed this man. And I'm not just saying that because the trailer alone was enough to make me throw myself off the balcony into a tub of popcorn below, BUT STOP SKIMPING ON THE FAKE BUTTER SAUCE.
Thanks to Beastman AIDS, which, fun fact: was actually Stephenie Meyer's original name for Jacob.