Roger Ritter is a man. A man who saw two other men
diddling each in a bathroom stall stealing iPhones from a Gresham, Oregon AT&T store. So what did he do? He went vigilante justice on their asses. And failed.
"I'm not a cowboy, I'm not a hero. I was just doing what I always try to do: help," he said. And with "help" he really meant "pull out my gun and start shooting at the tires of their escape vehicle like I'm Dirty Harry but failing miserably to hit any of them." Fortunately, no bullets ended up in any of the people who witnessed the incident.
Needless to say, the police were not amused by his impression of Harry Callahan, so they arrested him on the spot. He was officially charged with unlawful use of a weapon, reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct, and unlawful discharge of a firearm.
You said it best, man -- you're definitely no cowboy or hero. You, sir, are a terrible shot. So -- what do you say, Duck Hunt for money?
Thanks to Laura, who would have hidden under the perp's van and slashed their Achilles tendons when they were trying to get in. Now you're talking!