There's quality journalism and then there's quality journalism. And this is the latter. I'm talking about words strung together so profoundly that Putlizer himself just rolled over in his grave and shat a printing press.
BERVARD COUNTY, Fla. -- The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.
Nor will he be going back to Taco Bell. Fire sauce might not be that hot in your mouth, but in your penis, oh man, in your penis.
THE GREATEST NEWS LEDE THAT WILL EVER BE [filmdrunk]
Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who once dressed up as Wolverine and assaulted his computer monitor with a gyro in his pants.