Paste Magazine writer Kate Keifer went and compiled a list of 20 life lessons she learned from playing the New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Most are things I learned in grade school, but there were some gems in there (no there wasn't, don't expect any).
1. Never trust a flying turtle.
2. Make it a habit to bang your head against brick walls. Sometimes money comes out.
3. When choosing between shooting fireballs and iceballs, consider the climate.
4. Reincarnation is real.
5. You can walk on clouds.
6. Water, too.
7. If you have spare time, jump around aimlessly until free stuff starts appearing.
8. Money grows on trees.
9. Why not just wear the same outfit every day?
10. Throw animals whenever you can.
11. Unless they're big enough for you to ride on them.
12. Climbing inside cannons isn't dangerous at all.
13. Jumping directly on top of a flagpole is worth the pain.
14. Exercise isn't gonna shrink your fat belly.
15. Brown mushrooms: bad.
16. Colorful mushrooms: great.
17. Money buys happiness.
18. If you get stuck, call your smarter and more patient little brother.
19. Every good man should be willing to put his life on hold for a princess.
20. A plumber can accomplish great things.
Um, yeah. I didn't really get all that. What I learned was this:
1. That whirlycopter helmet is the shit.
2. That last lava run was a bitch.
3. I didn't even get to touch a boob.
Twenty Life Lessons Learned From New Super Mario Bros. Wii [pastemagazine]
Thanks to Victor and hildAT-AT, who learned everything they needed to know from the Zelda series (plus Altered Beast).