This is a video from the 1991 National Beard and Mustache Championship in Tacoma, Washington featuring THE MOST AMAZING BEARD THIS EYE HAS EVER SEEN (stupid Red Ryder BB Gun). Watch and prepare to be breathtaken (wizardry!). Then, watch me pull my thumb back all the way. Impressed? I thought you might be -- I'm not really double jointed. To the hospital!
Thanks to NinjaMuffin, who once grew an aquarium beard and kept real fish in it and everything.