Several people in the town of Girardville, Pennsylvania are upset over a busty pirate statue whose magical treasure chest (ZING!) draws scalawags into a local antique store. Amongst the town's most outspoken opponents of the statue is local Roman Catholic Priest, Edward Commolly.
"I believe that it's indecent. I guess it would be categorized as soft porn. If there is a definition of that, I would call it soft porn," said Father Edward Commolly.
Sorry, Father, but the definition of soft porn is the dryhumping you see on Cinemax. This is pure class.
"I think it's art. I don't see nothing wrong with that," said Randy Smith of Girardville.
"I think there is worse on television, to tell you the truth. If they want to do anything they shouldn't worry about a statue, they should start on television," said Heidi Martin.
Good lookin', Randy, totally agree: a statue of a female pirate with her blunderbusst (I could do this all day, folks) hanging out is art in the truest sense of the word. You hear that? Now walk the plank, Picasso! Oh, and valiant effort, Heidi, but they should definitely start on the internet.
Thanks to Nefarious Nick, who totally made a friend take a picture while he was touching her rack. Wow, Nick, you've got problems. Awesome problems! Can I get a copy?