In a turn of events that shocked no one, Bigfoot left a message for reporters in the woods claiming the recent pictures of a creature in a freezer, are, in fact, not him. The message, spelled out with carefully arranged arm-length turds, read "that totally wasn't me".
Turns out Bigfoot was just a rubber suit. Two researchers on a quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot say that the carcass encased in a block of ice -- handed over to them for an undisclosed sum by two men who claimed to have found it -- was slowly thawed out, and discovered to be a rubber gorilla outfit.
First, the hair sample was burned and "melted into a ball uncharacteristic of hair," Kulls said in the posting.
The thawing process was sped up and the exposed head was found to be "unusually hollow in one small section." An hour of thawing later and the feet were exposed -- and they were found to be made of rubber.
Well folks, it just goes to show you -- you can't believe every legendary creature is real just because some asshats claim to have one in a freezer. You can't will Bigfoot real, no matter how badly you want to make love to him.
Thanks to Dan, SilverSided, Laurel, Brad, The Hashishin, Gingela5, and Melanie for letting me down easy.