May 5 2008How To Traumatize Your Children


My parents didn't need a book to effectively traumatize us for life. They did a fine job on their own. Well for today's slacking parents there's How To Traumatize Your Children, a book in the Self-Hurt series (along with How To Cut Yourself).

You'll learn how to:

  • Determine your traumatizing "type"
  • Cultivate your children's resentment
  • Give your children enough material to write a memoir someday
  • Defend your choices against others who've opted to traumatize differently

The 192 page full color book only runs $10 and is a great companion piece to The Superficial Writer's My Drunk As Shit Daddy, which explains to kids why their daddy peed in the fishtank, and why his urine killed the turtle. But if reading isn't your thing you can always just have sex with the door open. That'll screw a kid up for life. Even beyond if you're caught doing some freaky cosplay shit or a mommy/daddy role reversal.

How To Traumatize Your Children Book [ohgizmo]

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Reader Comments

haha, that's pretty awesome.

I would buy this as a subtle hint if any of my friends kept leashes on their children in public.

children on leashes are pretty standard over here in the uk...shit's f***ed up...

Leashes on children in public > Leashes on children in private.

Not that I'm in favor of either.

That's funny, great post. I just ordered one for my sister... mother's day is coming up!

ooh, i want one for mothers day! i mean, im sure were doing just fine in the traumatizing department, but its nice to have a reference point

I'm sure I'm traumatizing my child just fine, thank you very much.

Actually leashes aren't uncommon. They're useful when your kid is at the age when it realises walking is fun - in any direction - without telling you. So that you shit your pants when you turn around and your kid is suddenly somewhere else.

BUT: The kid in the illustration there is clearly around 10 years old and has no need for the device. Hence the title.


@7. Madam V. Box
yeah, real useful. god forbid that people should just hold their kids hands. is this how your parents raised you? that, and telling you to rollover, sit and stay. perhaps it's time to call your gynecologist and you vagina checked.

My dad was (and still is) a shift worker. Back when my brother, sister and I were children the freight rail company was so poorly managed - if even that was their excuse - that the employees didn't know their roster until the day before. So my mum had to walk us kids to school most of the time. My sister is two years older than me, and my brother two years younger.

You try getting three kids that age ready to leave every morning on your own, out the door and all the way to school. That's six friggin hands to hold, mate.

The reason I mention the ages is to allow you to understand that my sister, who would've started school while me and my brother were too young. If the youngest is in a pram, that means at least one hand on the pram and one hand left for the remaining four hands to hold. Obviously you'll need two hands to drive the pram properly, the school age kid could walk by herself and the other kid would wander away/want to play with sticks/rocks/in traffic and generally not understand the need to get the other kid to school on time.

Now this is just walking to school in a fairly safe environment. Could you take care of all that shit in, say, a crowded supermarket? Even if the shopping was done on a school day, that still leaves four hands to hold and a trolley full of groceries to push.

Moral of the story:
Don't have more than two kids.

Adam R Box - no one cares - seriously - maybe you should put your time into analyzing if you can write something more boring than watching sperm dry - oh wait you did.

this could be a better narration of your childhood " me mum tied an extension cord around me neck and would walk me like a dog when I had to produce rubish from my arse because we couldnt afford nappies"

@7 & 10. Madam V. Box

oh, boo hoo. I'm a single father with two kids. I take them shopping with me all the time (because I can't afford a sitter). When they were that small, I'd put one in the "trolley" (shopping cart) and hold the other by the hand. hate to break it to you, but it really doesn't require that much effort to hold your children's hands. these straps are for lazy people.

Yeah, well MY mom bought giant bandaids to put over my mouth while we were driving because I talked to much... not cause she was a crappy driver.


that is how _not_ to traumatize your children. i believe this post is on how to _traumatize_ them. if u insist on holding their hands while out shopping, at least wear a bra without a shirt on. that would traumatize them.. and everyone else around you.

I took my 2 year old nephew skiing at Christmas and I put a leash on him. It was like 20ft long and he snow plowed infront of me while I could slowly carve behind him, it was awesome. And I have lots of pics to tease him when he gets older and way better than me.

I have no children but for a nominal fee I will be glad to traumatize your kids for you.

Actually I grew up in a small rural town where everyone thought they were your parents and had no problem giving you a whack on the ass if you were doing wrong. Most of the time we were just dumped outside and didn't come back until dark. We stayed out of trouble because everyone knew our parents so it was hard to get away with anything. The few times I was picked up by the Police they took me straight home knowing the worst would come from my father.

ha! my father WAS the police officer. it was a lose-lose.

@15. Victoria
believe me, I know how to traumatize my kids. But adam was saying that leashes on childen are okay, implying that they aren't traumatic.

I suppose if I wore a bra sans shirt, it would be quite traumatic. considering that I'm a guy

Writing this for the sake of anyone who has a hair still stuck up their arse about the UK and the kids on leashes fracas.
Personally, I have never seen many kids on a leash.. um think the idea of child restraint died out with smacking the little b*stards.

Anywhoooo.. here's a little miss harnessed (damn... that sounds wrong,wrong,wrong).

awww.... bless. If looks could kill?

It would have been nice if you'd posted this like, last week, because now it's too late to order it for mother's day. Sorry mum, looks like you're getting another mcdonald's toy this year.

I agree with those of you who think that it is ridiculous to leash children. I mean why bother when you can just lock them in a cage in the basement and bypass the problem all together?

That's what my parents did to me and let me tell you - I'm fabulously well to do for it.

i am pretty sure my parents read this book when i was young.

Screw a leash, you might as well just never cut the umbilical.

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