Worried about the life you've lived? Don't worry, I'm with you. But now there's hope for even the worst of us sinners thanks to a company selling reserved spots in heaven. That's right folks, for a paltry $12.79 you too can guarantee a pass to the cloudy oasis that is heaven.
The package includes:
Heavenly issued certificate of reservation registered in the Book of Lightâ„¢
A First class ticket to Heaven. Why walk those stairs when you can fly?
The Official Heaven Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled.
Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Donâ€™t be a victim of culture shock. Get acquainted with the land.
Now if you're not satisfied with the Essential Package you can opt for the All Access Kit for $15.95. In addition to all the basic crap it includes an " all access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to â€œVIP exclusive areasâ€ including the Land of Milk and Honey and Thug Mansion, where all the elite get together and kick it." I do like milk and honey, so I may have to drop for the upgrade. Too bad I think this is all a sham. Yeah, it turns out the company also sells reserved spots in hell. That's what tipped me off. Because, let's face it, those spots come free and I've got a whole row reserved.
Thanks to Kelly, who doesn't need a stupid pass to be an angel, for the tip