I Really, Really Mean It: Formal Apologies
Sometimes saying you're sorry just isn't enough. For those times come these Formal Apology Notices. You just fill in a few blanks, check some checkboxes, and ta-da -- you're forgiven (hopefully). Unfortunately they didn't work for me. In retrospect I probably should have filled them out instead of just giving a handful of blank ones to my girlfriend, but it's the thought that counts right? Well it turns out the thought she had was that I wanted her to apologize for something. So you know what she did? She punched me. A lot. I got a Formal Apology Notice the next day.
It has come to my attention that my action of knocking you the f*** out could be seen as hurtful. I never intended to not kill you. I want you to understand that I was merely trying to finally put you down so I could move out with my lover, though I can see now that it may appear that I was just trying to hurt you. Please accept my un-heartfelt apology. Moving forward, I will attempt to kill you for real next time. That said, I would very much appreciate it if you would just do it yourself already you pathetic loser. Sincerely, your soon to be ex-girlfriend.
She's such a card, she so loves me.
An Official Apology [electroplankton]