Don't Tell My Aunt: Wine Kegs Now Available

May 23, 2018

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Move over boxes, this is one of the $240 wine kegs (tap sold separately) available from Bridge Lane, a wine label from Lieb Cellars of Long Island, New York. Each 49-pound plastic-shelled keg contains a bladder filled with 19.5-liters (26 bottles) of my aunt's favorite lunch. Current kegs available include chardonnay, sauvignon blanc, red blend, white merlot and rosé. Live outside the New York City area? No problem, they'll FedEx us just the bladder so we can still make a bathtub full of sangria. "Your bathtub is disgusting." Yeah....how's yours? "Not much better." Let's go buy a kiddy pool. Plus if nobody comes to our party we'll just drink as much as we can then wrestle in what's left! Wait -- where are you going? "To buy that kiddy pool." Aw yeah!

Thanks to Charlotte, who I feel like has the perfect wine-drinker's name.

A Size Comparison Of Video Game Monsters

May 23, 2018

This is a video created by MetalBallStudios comparing the size of various famous video game monsters (previously: size comparisons of Star Trek ships, various sci-fi franchise ships, movie robots and movie monsters). Although I would hardly call Sackboy or Ratchet or Daxter and a couple of the others monsters. Also, the video's creator admits that he accidentally made the Deathclaw from the Fallout franchise 6-meters (20-feet) tall instead of the 3-meters (10-feet) it should have been. It happens. I know first-hand when you see one for the first time they certainly seems twenty feet tall. Terrifying, really. It's kind of like when-- "It's nothing like when your doctor tells you to drop your pants." You don't know that! I had to pay for a new examination table AND patch the wall.

Keep going for the video.

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Hammer Time!: Guy Attacks Car With Sledgehammer

May 23, 2018

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This is some security cam footage of Thor riding the lightning (technically a Chevy pickup) to chase down and attack another driver with a modified, long-handled version of Mjölnir. He manages to break the driver's side window and put a couple dents in the door before the driver takes off, spilling his passenger (who had foolishly opened his door) into the parking lot. Thor then takes a whack at the passenger's back before the dude is able to get back in the car and speed away. So why all the Ragnarök? Steamy details!:

One witness, who did not want to be identified, told NBC10 he heard the attacker yell out, "You're cheating with my girlfriend."

Philadelphia police renewed their appeal for those involved or who recognize the parties involved to reach out to investigators. Police can't investigate it any further until a person involved in the incident comes forward.

The owner [of the business where the incident took place] told NBC10 they were unable to file a police report because they were only a third party to the incident. He also said no one at the business knew any of the people involved.

Ah, the old love triangle -- classic Norse mythology. But wasn't Thor married to Sif? And didn't Loki claim to have slept with her when Thor was away on unspecified business? So that must have been Loki in the other car! Now I'm no detective, but I think it's pretty clear now that I should be.

Keep going for the video.

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A Phone Swing That Tricks Your Phone Into Thinking You're Walking

May 23, 2018

This is a video demonstration of a phone cradle spotted at a restaurant in China that swings your phone and tricks it into registering those swings as steps, apparently so patrons who work for companies that offer healthy insurance discounts for walking a certain amount of steps per day (typically 10,000 -- roughly 8km/5-miles, or about an hour and forty minutes of walking) can meet their quota "while dining, drinking, and smoking." Cheating the system, I like it. My girlfriend actually signed us up for a similar program and I showed her this and she told me she'd actually prefer to get the exercise and that I should stop being so lazy. *tapes phone to dog harness, lets her loose in backyard* How we're together I'll never know.

Keep going for the full video in case the gif wasn't enough for you, even though it definitely should have been.

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Gameplay Footage Of FightCrab, A Crab Vs Crab Fighting Game

May 23, 2018

This is some alpha gameplay footage of Kani no Kenka (aka FightCrab, not to be confused with Fight Club, which we shouldn't even be talking about) from Japanese game developer Nussoft. The game will feature crab versus crab battles in a variety of locations with a bunch of different weapons including swords, a morningstar flail, electricity, and good old fashioned claws. It doesn't look like a particularly fun game, but it does look like a particularly unusual game. Will I still play it to settle drunk arguments with friends? Probably. "How do you settle an argument with a video game?" Whoever wins the match was right. Unless I lose, in which case I demand a rematch for ultimate rightness. If I lose that I break my beer bottle and attack physically. I've never been wrong yet.

Keep going for the video.

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A Ten Minute Video Compilation Of Satisfying Things

May 23, 2018

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(Above) Styrofoam melting and probably smelling fantastic.

This is a ten minute video compilation of a ton of different satisfying things to watch. There's melting things, cutting things, painting things, sculpting things, glasswork, magnets, candle and wax seal making, flowers blooming -- you name it. It's perfect if you're stressed at work and need a few minutes to realign your chakras. It is not perfect to watch while you're driving. What are you doing reading Geekologie while you're driving anyways? Geekologie isn't written to be read behind the wheel, it's written to be read in bed with a lover before it's time to....you know. "No I don't know." Roll over in opposite directions and go to sleep. Dream of me?

Keep going for the video, but feel free to skip around (you have my permission).

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Cyclist Rushes Past Police To Empty Bomb Scare's 'Suspicious Package', Gets Tackled Afterward

May 23, 2018

These are several videos of a Milwaukee bicyclist who speeds past police and the yellow tape they put up around a suspicious backpack, quickly emptying its non-lethal contents onto the street before getting bum-rushed and tackled by officers. Weird, and I half expected them to shake his hand and award him a medal of valor.

"He rode past me and he was saying, 'I'm going to defuse this situation," [Robert] Harris [the man who called in the suspicious backpack] said. "I was concerned for everyone still around but really concerned for him. He was not acting in his right mind. If I would have saw him coming down the sidewalk earlier, I would have tried to stop him. It's a scary situation. You don't know if it's a bomb or backpack. When he went and did it, I thought oh no. It's not going to end well. It's going to end bad."


The FBI assisted on the scene but Milwaukee Police arrested the man. Police have not released any other information at this time.

They arrested him? Because they should have offered him a position on their bomb squad immediately. Clearly this man is a PRO DIFFUSER. Is he ex-military? He looks like he was probably special forces to me. "He's just a crazy person." That's always a possibility too.

Keep going for the videos, the second two of which only focus on the tackle.

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Publix Grocery Store Censors 'Summa Cum Laude' Graduation Cake

May 23, 2018

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A whole fiver?! Thanks mom and dad!

The online custom cake ordering system used by Publix detected "profane characters" on the $70 graduation cake that Cara Koscinski was trying to purchase for her son Jacob, who was graduating high school summa cum laude ('with highest honor') with a GPA of 4.79. It replaced those characters with hyphens. Thankfully, Cara was able to receive a refund and gift card after complaining Publix's custom cake ordering system clearly didn't graduate at the top of its class.

In the special instructions, Koscinski explained that the system was mistaking part of the phrase for something inappropriate, but that her son was graduating with highest honors.


However, when Koscinski received the cake, she said the message had been written as "Summa --- Laude," censoring out part of the phrase with hyphens. Another family member who didn't know what the cake was supposed to say picked it up, so Koscinski didn't know until it was home that something wasn't right.

Koscinski said the situation was embarrassing to explain to guests, including her 70-year-old mother.

She had to explain the cake to her 70 year old mother -- that's great. That's like having a reverse sex talk with your kids. If I were her I would have just ordered a cake that read 'Summa Cam Laude', and wiped out the top of the a with a finger to make a u. Of course that's just me and I'm a genius and graduated with an 8.0 GPA. "There's no such thing." In my home school there was. Prom still sucked though (I had to take a stuffed animal and the principal kept breaking us up for 'dancing too close').

Keep going for a shot of the 'profane/special characters not allowed' warning on their online ordering system.

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