So, We've Come To This: $425 Designer Men's Jeans That Look Like They're Covered In Mud

April 25, 2017

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These are the $425 Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans designed by New York City based 'luxury fresh denim brand' PRPS and available from Nordstrom. For reference, the most I've ever paid for a pair of jeans was $120 (which I only did once), and they made my ass look like f***ing magic. These make your ass look like you went snorkeling in a Porta-Potty at a music festival.

Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that's seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you're not afraid to get down and dirty.

Yeah, but you are afraid to get down and dirty, that's why you paid $425 for a pair of jeans that make you look like you did when you didn't. You could have just gone and fixed a tractor or fed the hogs and earned that mud. *guy walks into bar wearing a pair of Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans* OMG I think that dude just got banged by a mud-monster!

Keep going for several more shots.

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It Happens: Little Boy On Bike Distracted By Sexy Ladies On Van Crashes Into Wall

April 25, 2017

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This is a short video of a little boy on a bike who yells 'Ooh la la' while oogling the sexy lady pictures on the side of a van advertising a Stockholm strip club, before crashing into a wall. Is it real? Is it just a viral ad for Club Privé? I'm on the fence (it hurts), but there's at least a story to go along with it:

"I was babysitting my nephew and saw the Privé car with the naked girls posters on their car, so I started filming it for a friend, you know, just between guys. Meanwhile Dali (my nephew) was biking behind me, suddenly, very loudly saying "Oh La La", which he does when he sees girls, haha! And he was so into it, that he crashed into the restaurants outdoor seating with his bike! The girl walking by was just a stranger passing by, and ran up to help him. In all it was just a random act that led to this very funny movie clip!"

My guess is fake. But, knowing me, I actually would have crashed in the same situation. It's not every day you see a sexy lady van on your bike ride (unless you live where this kid does in which case maybe you do). Heck, I almost crashed my car staring at a Bud Light billboard, and there weren't even any sexy ladies, just a can. Honestly I probably shouldn't be driving right now.

Hit the jump for the video.

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Land Ho!: Giant Ferry Crashes Hard Into Sea Wall

April 25, 2017

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This is a video from Las Palmas on Gran Canaria (one of Spain's Canary Islands) of a massive ferry crashing straight into the sea wall after supposedly losing electrical power (although I have my doubts). Thirteen passengers were injured due to the abrupt stop, and, at least in my mind, one person's scoliosis was miraculously cured. Now, are you thinking what I'm thinking? "It's hard to believe Captain Edward John Smith is still out there and allowed to command vessels?" Yep! Wait -- who's Captain Edward John Smith? "The Titanic's captain." Oh shit, yes -- exactly! He must be at least 160 years old.

Keep going for the video.

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Looks Fun, Questionable: New 'Flying Car' Demonstration

April 25, 2017

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This is a promotional video for the Flyer from 'personal aviation' startup Kitty Hawk. It's basically a giant electric octocopter with pontoons, capable of lifting a single rider. Allegedly be available for purchase later this year, although no word on price. No pilot's license is required (that's a plus, since I don't have one) to fly the FAA designated ultralight aircraft, and it was specifically designed to be flown over water. That makes it the perfect choice for a person who needs to commute from one side of the lake to the other, and is terrified of boats but not getting chopped into pieces by massive, spinning rotors. Honestly, it looks like a lot of fun, it's just not the flying car I was hoping for. Does it even have a stereo? Would you even be able to hear it if it did? Also, I need two seats minimum, one for me, and one for-- "The girl you're trying to impress?" What? No -- my dog. One for me, one for my dog. Besides, she's already as impressed as she could possibly be with me because I know how to open the refrigerator. That shit blows her little walnut mind.

Keep going for the video.

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You've Got To Be Kidding Me: A $57,535 Bed Pillow

April 25, 2017

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Because nothing makes sense anymore, this is the $57,535 Tailor Made Pillow designed by 'neck specialist' Thijs van der Hilst. What the hell do you get for your $57,535? Hopefully the best night's sleep of your life. Of course, if you have $60,000 to spend on a pillow, how the hell are you not already sleeping like a baby every night?

Along with his personal experience, neck specialist Thijs van der Hilst used 3D scanners, printers and a complex mathematical algorithm to create the size and shape of a pillow that would be made from a combination of hand-stitched Egyptian cotton and a splash of 24 carat gold. The pillow would then be bespokely moulded out of non-toxic Dutch memory foam to the sleeper's head, neck and shoulders.


That golden fabric makes up both sides of the sleep-aid, while its zipper comes studded with no less than four diamonds and a huge 22.5ct sapphire.

Oh cool, a pillow made out of gold-spun Egyptian cotton with four diamonds and a giant 22.5 carat sapphire on the zipper. That's something somebody needs. Unfortunately for its maker though, this isn't actually the world's most expensive pillow. That honor belongs to the pillow I'm selling. "What's so special about it?" I've slept on it for fourteen years. "Jesus, it looks like one giant sweat stain." That's right, it's been imbued with my pheromones -- my essence. It drives women wild. Nine out of ten women participating in my blind smell test vomited, presumably because they were overcome with desire. "And the one woman who didn't puke?" Turns out she can't smell. A million dollars, it'll be on eBay next week.

Thanks to vishal, who agrees everybody is different, so there's no perfect pillow for everyone. Take me for example, I have a hunchback and had to dig a hole in my space foam mattress topper.

Sassy!: Samsung Responds To Galaxy 8 Troll on Twitter

April 25, 2017

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This is a shot of the exchange between @SamsungMobileUS and @savEdward on Twitter. Samsung asked new owners of the Galaxy 8 to send their first photo taken with the phone. Edward responded that it was a wiener pic, and Samsung followed up with the microscope emoji. Samsung: they'll burn you. Either on Twitter or when your Galaxy Note 7 exploded. Hoho -- you just got got, Samsung! Come at me, bro.

Thanks to Nathaniel, who agrees somebody should hire me as their social media manager.

A Sailor Moon Themed Ice Skating Routine

April 25, 2017

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This is a video of ice skater Evgenia Medvedeva's impressive Sailor Moon themed routine performed at the 2017 Exhibition World Team Trophy in Tokyo, Japan. I've always loved ice skating. I mean, watching ice skating, not actually skating myself -- I have weak ankles, which have led to injured and weak wrists. I'm kind of a mess. Like your room before your mom tells you to clean it or you can't hang out with your friends. The only problem is my kind of mess can't be swept under your bed. *looking under bed* Well well well, what have we here? PROTIP: Get a shoebox for the sex toys or your dog might think they're dental bones.

Keep going for the video.

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86.9 Seconds: Man Sets Record For Fastest Perfect Game Of Bowling

April 25, 2017

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This is a video of 23-year old golfer bowler Ben Ketola rolling a perfect 300 game in 86.9 seconds, using ten lanes (he runs back to the first two lanes for his two bonus balls from the tenth frame although I would have used two closer lanes to save time but that's just me and I'm a born competitor). Not bad, Ben, I bet the Big Lebowski would be impressed. I also bet he hasn't seen this, because he doesn't seem like much of an internet person. Don't worry though, I'll show it to him on my phone if I run into him. "Oh thank God." I know, I could tell you were worried, that's why I'm doing this for you.

Keep going for the video while I call my local bowling alley to find out when they do cosmic bowling with lane bumpers. Also: note how Ben rolls the ball using both hands at once.

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